36 replies to this topic

[davidelevi]

...and he used to sing to Mary Poppins' soundtrack most days...

[davidelevi]

A recently retired relative of mine has just sent me this little story:

'As a retiree, I often get asked how I use all the free time I have. It's a very good question.

For example, a few days ago I went downtown with my wife, and we entered a shop for about five minutes. When we left, there was a policeman (traffic warden) with his notepad, writing up a parking ticket.

We went right next to him, and I said: "Excuse me, Sir, but could you not show some respect for older people, and let this one go, for once?".

He ignored me, and kept writing the ticket. So I called him "You Nazi B****rd!"

He looked at me with narrowed eyes, and started writing a second ticket, because the car tyres were badly worn. This is when my wife called him "a little piece of s**t in uniform".

He placed the second ticket under the wiper, next to the first one, and started writing a third one - don't quite know for what.

It went on like this for about 20 minutes - we kept insulting him, and he kept writing new tickets. He must have written about a dozen.

Anyway, who cares? We went downtown on the bus. At our age, it's important to have fun and not take things too seriously.'

Edited by davidelevi, 01 February 2011 - 01:25 PM.

[LaurieH]

hahahah! That's terrible! I can totally see someone doing that, too!

[HeartAndStone]

Says the doctor to the patient after physical examination:

"You know, you came to me at just the right moment.."

"Oh no!" Says the patient.

'Is it that serious, doctor?"

"Quite the opposite," replies the doctor.
"One more day, and it would have healed by itself."

Edited by HeartAndStone, 03 February 2011 - 09:31 AM.

[LaurieH]

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

[LaurieH]

Why are fish good musicians?








Cuz they know their scales.

[LaurieH]

What do clouds wear under their shorts?





Thunderwear!

[davidelevi]

A group of 40 year old women discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters are cute and buff.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

(with apologies to any ladies in the audience)

[davidelevi]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she walked away.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

[LaurieH]

Since these were supposedly published in a legitimate publication, I will refrain from removing or apologizing for any words or descriptions that "play blue" Enjoy!



(Allegedly) The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax-refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider-web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and can't be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

(Allegedly) The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency-vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer-shorts worn by Jewish men.

[davidelevi]

I confirm the allegations...

[bhatnagar.ashish001]

Interesting. I like the jokes of all the members. Thanks for sharing it.

Edited by bhatnagar.ashish001, 29 August 2011 - 01:32 AM.

[LaurieH]

Hey...I think that was a spampost, BUT on the upside, I had forgotten about this thread. I think we need to revive it.

[davidelevi]

You should not tempt fate...

*******************************************************************

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[denverappraiser]

We had an earthquake a few days ago in Washington DC, a place that is not known for seismic activity. A asked one of my geologist friends about it and he expalined that there was nothing to be worried about. It was just the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

[LaurieH]

I was cleaning out some papers and came across a joke a friend had emailed me (and I printed out). Since we get just a little off-color here, figured this would be ok...

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest hen he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend! Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant! My friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with me through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend! Why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest! You will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat the daylights out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little jerk has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[davidelevi]

This is at least a Fancy, never mind off colour.