36 replies to this topic

[LaurieH]

Cuz who couldn't use a little giggle? Bad jokes especially welcome.

[LaurieH]

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

[davidelevi]

That is pretty bad.

Are we limited to one a day, or we can post more? And worse?

[LaurieH]

I'd say post as many as you like! I have a handful waiting in the wings, but figured I didn't wanna post 'em all at once and either annoy or intimidate others who might. But a couple really make me giggle, so I might not be able to hold out to 1 per day myself hehe

[HeartAndStone]

One day my sister's MIL asked her if she's interested to buy a classic
powerful Tag Heuer watch for our dad's birthday.
Then she told her hubby,and that was the big joke.
That watch was given by his husband to his father 8 years ago.

geez.

Edited by HeartAndStone, 13 January 2011 - 11:28 AM.

[davidelevi]

Since we are (more or less) on topic:


Three ladies having tea and crumpets at the Plaza

1st Lady: When my rings get dirty, I take them to Tiffany's - they clean them for me.

2nd lady: When my diamonds get dirty, I take them to Harry Winston - he cleans them right away for me!

3rd Lady: When my jewelry gets dirty, I throw it away.

[hermann]

davidelevi, on 13 January 2011 - 01:12 PM, said:

Three ladies having tea and crumpets at the Plaza

1st Lady: When my rings get dirty, I take them to Tiffany's - they clean them for me.

2nd lady: When my diamonds get dirty, I take them to Harry Winston - he cleans them right away for me!

3rd Lady: When my jewelry gets dirty, I throw it away.

Uhhhh, at the risk of sounding dense.... I don't get it! Explain? :-)

[davidelevi]

Pure one-upmanship (one-upwomanship?) brought to the extreme...

Hey, they are supposed to be bad jokes, right?

[LaurieH]

Indeed

A friend posted a good one today:


So these two old men are standing in line at the pharmacy. First one says "what you here for?" Second one says "Viagra". First one says "can you get it over the counter?" Second old man says "if I take two".

[davidelevi]

You shouldn't provoke...

A lady in her 70s, now widowed, feels lonely and writes an ad "Nice, caring, fit lady in her 70s would like to meet gentleman for friendship and more. Must not run after everything with a skirt, must not beat me and must be good in bed. Will interview personally all who respond."

On the day of the first appointment to interview the gentlemen who answered her ad, she is quite excited. The bell rings, and she runs to the door to find a chap with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair, with a bunch of flowers on his lap, and a big smile on his face.

She is totally crestfallen, and says "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but how can you be my companion? I like walking, and you have no legs." To which he replies "But I won't run after everything with a skirt either, will I?"

"But I love hugs, and you have no arms!"

"This way I will never be able to hit you"

"and... there is the small matter of being good in bed... without arms and legs..."

"Look, I did ring the bell, didn't I?!?!"

[HeartAndStone]

LaurieH, on 14 January 2011 - 06:33 AM, said:

Indeed

A friend posted a good one today:


So these two old men are standing in line at the pharmacy. First one says "what you here for?" Second one says "Viagra". First one says "can you get it over the counter?" Second old man says "if I take two".

Maybe we will need a sub-forum for these jokes!

"A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
The pharmacist says, "Do you mean Aspirin?"

'That's it!" says the chemist. "I can never remember the word."

[davidelevi]

A bit long, but worth reading through. No cats or other animals were harmed in the writing of this joke.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed} by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

[HeartAndStone]

~MEOW

my turn...

" Halfway through a romantic dinner, my hubby smiled and said, You look so beautiful
under these lights." I was falling in-love all over again... when he added,
"We gotta get some of these lights."

[davidelevi]

That made me laugh. Now, I'm not sure whether to tell my wife...

Edited by davidelevi, 21 January 2011 - 12:17 PM.

[LaurieH]

A jumper cable walks into a bar, and looks around aggressively at the other customers.

The barman says, "All right, I'll serve you. . . but don't start anything."

---------

Did you hear about the man who dreamed he was a muffler, and then later that he was part of a wheel?

He woke up exhausted and tired.

[maude]

What do you call it when a dog eats your wedding ring?

A Diamond in the “Ruff.”

[hermann]

maude, on 21 January 2011 - 04:09 PM, said:

What do you call it when a dog eats your wedding ring?

A Diamond in the “Ruff.”

LOL

[LaurieH]

Did you hear the one about the clairvoyant midget that escaped jail?









Small Medium at Large

[LaurieH]

ok...so today's a 2-joker

Pirate walks into a bar.

Walks up to the bartender . . . "GAAAAAR . . . GIVE ME A CASK OF ALE . . . "

Bartender responds "Sure thing, Mr. Pirate, but mind if I ask you a question first?"

"GAAAAAR . . . GO AHEAD . . . "

Bartender: "Do you have any idea that you have a steering wheel down your pantaloons?"






"GAAR, I do! And it's driving me nuts!!"

[LaurieH]

we're far overdue so...without further ado...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.